Boundaries you Cannot See And Cannot Ignore



Let me begin by introducing you to one of my personal favorite emotional coping tricks.  Prayer Pictures.  


What is a Prayer Picture?


A Prayer Picture is a term I coined to mean an image or symbol, representing a bigger, more complex or powerful insight that came to you at some point. One of those…an “oh, that is good!” moments or one line from a podcast or a book that was just for you and you know you are going to need it in the future.  


When we are on the fly we are zipping through appointments and classes and shopping and relating and debating and carpooling and deal making and number crunching...whatever fills your hustle.  It is my experience that it is pretty near impossible to pull down a complex psychosocial/psychospiritual clarity or coping mechanism on the go.  Our brains are built to serve us on the fly and put us in a sympathetic chemical (autopilot) brain atmosphere.  When we are there, automatic reaction mostly determines choices, behavior, and outcome. 


So, in an effort to grab that gift and allow it to serve me in the moment of need, I call on a Prayer Picture.  I close my eyes (if possible), settle and smooth with a prayer breath, and I couple my inhale with the image of the thing I need. 


A Boundary You Cannot See 



When we define what we can and can’t control, we come to a boundary.  Something that separates you from everything else and everyone else.  Everyone. There is a place where you end and I begin.  Your husband begins. Your child begins. Your teacher begins. The person driving that annoying car beings. The “helpless help desk” representative begins. 




I believe we have an unseen world that is more critical to our life than what we see.  It is the inner territory of our soul, the true self, the essence of our being and the seat from which we get present and connect with our Good Shepherd Lord.  It is the place where we are knit-up with the Holy Spirit.  It is important. 


This territory is “take off your shoes” territory.  This innermost being is a gift from your Creator that He intends only to be space for rest in Him.  We can’t do it quite entirely, but it is precisely from a place of rest that we are invited to take on the most challenging moments and aspirations in front of us. 



God is the Lover of your soul.  I am going to go so far as to say this innermost territory might be likened to a marriage bed.  It is only intended for two people:  you and your Savior.  All other loves are enjoyed in the next soul layer and only insofar as we keep the innermost set apart, that second soul layer relationships and connections  can thrive. 

 

I am anxious for you with the deep concern of God himself—anxious that your love should be for Christ alone, just as a pure maiden saves her love for one man only, for the one who will be her husband.2 Corinthians 11:2 TLB


We need to remember, as we talk about God’s intolerance of idolatry, that everything comes back to a passionate love that is so immense, so powerful, that it burns hotter than a billion suns. -  Kyle Idleman.


Prayer Picture and Your Emotional Boundary 

So, here is the Prayer Picture...


Open up that dusty file drawer that is in the back of your mind. You may find a folder from high school biology. In it, you may find some information about cells...mitochondria, chloroplasts... let’s simply focus on a single cell in the human body. 


If you read further into that folder, you might remember that cells have a cell wall.  It’s outer perimeter that divides it from the rest of the material of the organism it resides in. 


There may be a phrase you recall...that cell has a “semi-permeable” membrane. This means that there is intelligence in this microscopic little circle far smaller our eye could ever perceive. Intelligence.  Fascinating.


That cell is in charge of governing it’s boundary. It has to permit certain things to pass through and it has to escort certain things out in order to “maintain homeostasis”.  Maybe a certain amount of salinity goes in and waste is passed out.  Otherwise the cell is compromised and eventually perishes. That is about the extent of my file drawer recalls on cells.  


Now let's consider how our inner territory is like one of those microscopic cells in the context of a Prayer Picture. 


In my mind, a cell looks like an iridescent soap bubble.  As mature souls, we are invited to govern our “cell wall”, that boundary that separates your being from the rest of the world including those you love the deepest and fiercest. 


We GET TO decide what passes into and out of our inner being and in doing so “maintain homeostasis”.  Who or what makes their way into your “cell” is responsible for the climate of your being.  By this I mean your mood, your thoughts, your behavior, your impulses, your assumptions….this collective “weather” that you live in moment by moment and experience your life through.


As stated earlier, that "soul weather" of the most inner chamber of your heart and mind was made to exist exclusively in consistent connection to the Lord and Lover of your soul. As you become more and more familiar and experience Him as the backdrop of your being you will find yourself well and at rest, even in chaos and even when those around you are not.


In my prayer picture, my iridescent soap bubble has a water line halfway up.  I know that I have not been governing my cell wall well when I feel like my “water is sloshy” and my inner space is stirred up or whipped up or splashing all around.   It’s a feeling. It is a perception.  It is an observation of my mental climate.



When I am aware the Good Shepherd is present, the water is still.  

He leads me beside quiet waters. 

 

What this doesn’t mean:

  • You don’t care about the other person’s feelings

  • You care more about your feelings that the other person

  • You shut down your feelings 

  • You pretend you are OK so the other person doesn’t think you are too sensitive or burdensome 


This does mean that we can offer those we care for and even those we randomly bump into the most authentic Spirit-filled self available to us.  


This does mean that when you walk in the room options change for everyone because you bring a connection to the Living Source...whether you speak to a soul or not.  You carry that root into stillness with you like a seed of radiation, doing it’s work while you go about your day, still water stilling everyone and everything around you. 




This does mean we move in the direction of “I can give myself permission to be OK even when _______________ is not OK.  (fill in the blank with your loved one)


The Hardest Part 


Let me highlight the gut-wrenching part:  In the context of the most important relationships we have, we still have to do this work.  It feels like a moral infraction to be OK when my kids are not.  I have swam in both pools.  I have been in a panic, I have drown in tears, I have shut down, I have worried myself sick over my babies when they are not ok. 


By the grace of the Lord, at one point he offered me a different plan.  Remember that they are separate from me and ultimately, even my children and I do not share that sacred marriage-bed type of inner being space.  When I ask myself in a rational moment, I would not want to intrude on theirs and they should not tread on mine.  


And… mercy, when I have done the work of rooting and claiming and reminding and “begin again-ing”  I am a WAY better mom and there is space for God to do the good stuff that I literally can not.   I used my kids in this example, but such is true for our other precious points - spouses and parents and the closest friends.  


We cultivate that direction but I suspect it would be impossible to do this perfectly.   We will be stirred but we can always make our way back to still.


And that is the most loving thing we can do in the context of caring for our and serving beloveds well.    



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